It’s 10:45 on our last night in Europe. Earlier today, I had something of an emotional overdose. Here’s what’s up (& I have no idea if I’ll be able to get this all out coherently): on Monday, the morning after we land (at 10pm!) I have an audition for a new music string quartet. They’re all busy freelancers— one lives in NYC— so trying to schedule this was a Herculean effort for their lead-organizing member. I’ve been practicing a lot, or, more correctly, a lot for someone who’s traveling and homeschooling. I feel fine about my preparation. But today I was listening to the playlist I’d made of the pieces, and one of them is by Caroline Shaw, and damn if it didn’t break me into little tiny pieces, as her music often does. Just before I’d put in my earbuds, I’d checked us in for our flight tomorrow, and made a password for Icelandair using, as I always do, names of some dear departed pets in it. One of them was Ajax, who died in December, the day we landed for a week at home before going to Spain. I didn’t properly mourn him, obviously, because thinking of him while listening to Caroline, and thinking of all the things we DIDN’T do in Rome, just got me feeling like life is too small. Life is too small for everything. But then the next piece in the playlist came on, and it was Tanya Tagac, and her music does something completely different to me: it makes me feel like playing music is doing something elemental and natural but also ritualistic. It kind of put me back together. I was lying in bed, planning on taking a nap (I got like 5 hours of sleep last night), but instead I got up, made a pot of espresso in the moka ♥️ this apartment has, and set out to see Mattatoio, the cool little modern art museum just across the river from our place. I’d meant to go this whole time. Turns out: it’s been closed the whole time! I didn’t miss anything!! “Men at work,” the guard explained to me. They were getting things ready for the next exhibit. So instead I walked around Testaccio, went to the Mercato, saw this incredible bikini, thought about buying it, decided I definitely do not need it, but I’ll pretend I’m wearing it every time I go to the beach.
We did it. We did this almost 9 months (10 after our time in Vermont, which is next, because we have renters in our house until June 19), we saw so many beautiful things and places, we covered math and writing and science and social studies and music and art in school. I even did a little bit of Ethics with Griffin. We’re not done yet, either. I’m going to finish that Ethics course with him at my parents’ house this week. Aryeh and Christopher will head to VT early, and I have BMOP all week, where I’ll get to see so many people I really like, some of whom I even love.
It’s been a little challenging to deal with the FOMO. Being in your mid-40’s means your friends are doing amazing things, some of them running shit like, um, the school you went to together! Or joining the Kronos Quartet! Or playing tours, or making albums, teaching at universities, playing on TV… And meanwhile, I’m SO aware of how lucky WE are to be doing this, and how silly it is to let jealousy take over. The poisonous side of social media. Meanwhile, I have this audition. I am in the last stages of putting two albums together! I did yoga almost every day this whole trip, and I still have healthy relationships with my boys and husband after 9 months of traveling and homeschooling!! I need the yoga because I need those moments of quiet to give perspective. I need the balance and the consciousness of growth and mastery. But today, as I did my little 16-minute class, I thought: I really need to dance. Hopefully I’ll make that happen at home. Anyone in Boston reading this: let’s get that shit done.
